Scott's Cards & Fun Stuff

1. Why don't you ever hear about 'gruntled' employees?
2. If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2??
3. How do you write 'zero' in Roman numerals?
4. How did a fool and his money get together to begin with?
5. How can there be self-help "groups?"
6. Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
7. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
8. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we're already there?
9. Is it possible to be totally partial?
10. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

1. First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
2. I considered atheism, but there weren't enough holidays.
3. Practice safe eating ... always use condiments.
4. I'm out of my mind ... but feel free to leave a message.
5. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
6. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
7. As I said before, I never repeat myself.
8. Follow your dream ...unless it's the one where you're running naked through Wal-Mart.
9. Dogs have owners, and cats have staff.
10. I'm not afraid of heights; I'm afraid of widths.

1. Start the journey.  A Journey of a thousand miles begins with a two-hour flight delay.
2. Travel light.  Take off your anger, envy and ... socks.
3. Carry on.  "People who never get carried away should be."  --Malcolm Forbes
4. Get lost.  "Of course you're never really lost; you're just exploring."  -- Jana Stanfield
5. Count your blessings.  Use both hands and feet and borrow a few toes.  Your socks are off, aren't they?
6. Slip into something less comfortable.  "Comfort never produced greatness."  --- Scott Friedman
7. Laugh out loud.  "Laughter rises out of tragedy and rewards you for your courage."  --Erma Bombeck
8. Think goodness.  Every journey needs a little good-will-hunting.
9. Kid around.  "Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life."  Herbert Henry Asquith
10. "Be yourself, unless you're a jerk, and then be somebody else."  -- Larry Winget

1. Count your blessings! Surprise yourself...you have more than you can imagine.
2. Any time someone asks you a question, respond with, "Would you like fries with that?"
3. Put a mirror on your desk, and make faces at yourself while talking on the phone.
4. Don't judge people by their relatives ... just think what people would think of you.
5. Break some rules!  Rules are like New Years resolutions; they're made to be broken.
6. Do the Hokey Pokey once a week, just in case that's really what it's all about.
7. "Hi-lite" your shoes.  Tell people that you haven't lost them since you did.
8. Embrace your foolishness!  Then people will laugh with you, not at your.
9. Never tell your spouse, "The diet isn't working."
10. Remember:  2004 is your party and everyone is invited! 

1. How can you tell when you've run out of invisible ink?
2. If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his mp3 player?
3. Why are most nudists people you wouldn't want to see naked?
4. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
5. Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
6. When you're finally  holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
7. Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
8. Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
9. If most accidents occur within five miles of home, why don't people just move?
10. How many weerks are there in a light year?

1. How many blessing can I be thankful for today?
2. Who can I positively surprise today?
3. What can I do to promote peace today?
4. Whom can I spread positive gossip about today?
5. What can I do today that will take me where I ultimately want to go?
6. Have I gone out of my way to make someone's day today?
7. Is there someone that I can forgive today?
8. How can I maximize my uniqueness today?
9. What can I celebrate today?
10. Have I given myself an opportunity to laugh at myself today?

1. Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.
2. BREAKFAST.COM halted... Cereal Port not responding.
3. Press a key, any key. NO, NOT THAT ONE!!
4. Windows; Just another pane in the glass.
5. Read my chips:  No new upgrades!
6. 'RAM disk' is not an installation procedure.
7. Access denied; "nah nah nah nah nah nah!"quot;
8. Help!  I'm online, and I can't log off!!
9. I hit the CTRL key, but I'm still not in control!
10. Who's General Failure and why is he reading my disk?

1. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
2. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
3. Don't play stupid with me - I'm better at it!
4. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler than that.
5. I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
6. There are three kinds of people:  those who can count and those who can't.
7. If at first you don't success, see if the loser gets anything.
8. Department of Redundancy Department.
9. All of me is beautiful and valuable, ...even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
10. Police station toilet stolen.  Cops have nothing to go on... 

1. I can see clearly now, the brain is gone.
2. I have kleptomania;  but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
3. Who are these kids,  and why are they calling me Mom.
4. Live each day as if it were your last...  and someday you'll be right.
5. I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on disk somewhere.
6. Drink Varnish,  and you'll have a lovely finish.
7. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
8. There's no need to fear falling;  it's the sudden stop at the bottom that you should fear.
9. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
10. The face is familiar, but I can't quite remember my name.

1. Be patient.  You have to eat a lot of cereal before you find the free toy.
2. Strategize. If you want a kitten, start out asking for a Jaguar.
3. Be Flexible.  That way you'll never get bent out of shape. 
4. Embrace your greatness.  Objects in the mirror are greater than they appear. 
5. Steer your career.  Your career is merely a tool to create whatever life you desire.
6. Search for the silver lining.  If you fall in a mud puddle, check your pockets for fish.
7. Go ahead, make your day.  If you can't make your day, make someone else's. 
8. Be a student of life.  When you're green you're growing, when you're not you rot.
9. Become your own role model.  Make decisions based on the person you want to be.
10. Look through the eyes of love; and the eyes of love will look back.

1. Allow me to introduce my selves.
2. Failure is not an option; it's bundled with your software.
3. Deja Moo:  The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
4. I'm pretty sure that sex is better than logic but I can't prove it.
5. Don't bother me; I'm living happily ever after.
6. Women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
7. We have enough youth; how about a fountain of smart?
8. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those critical, self-righteous people around me.
9. A picture may be worth a thousand words but it uses up a thousand times more memory.
10. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

1. I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
2. Dear IRS:  I would like to cancel my subscription.
3. Make yourself at home!  Clean my kitchen.
4. I am in shape.  Round is a shape.
5. I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
6. Thought for the day:  in case any of you haven't had one yet.
7. Age doesn't always bring wisdom.  Sometimes age comes alone.
8. If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
9. Therapy is expensive, and popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
10. I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

1. "Value Values" - the best things in life are not things.
2. Keep your words sweet, in case you have to eat them.
3. Embrace what's important.  He or she who dies with the most 'joys' wins.
4. Be kind.  If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
5. Tell the truth.  That way you have a lot less to remember.
6. Get better, not bitter.  Pain is a blessing when you learn the lesson.
7. Never argue with a crazy person.  Outsiders don't know who's who.
8. Act like a kid again.  You're never too old to be young.
9. Slip into something less comfortable.  Comfort never produced greatness.
10. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

1. "Value values."  The best things in life are not things.
2. Be humble.  At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
3. Scare yourself.  If you're not scared, it ain't big enough.
4. Keep your words sweet.  You might have to eat them.
5. Turn it up.  Your day follows the curve of your mouth.
6. Make the most of pain.  Pain is wisdom in disguise, which teaches us the lessons of life.
7. Live a good, honorable life.  When you get older and think back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time.
8. Play today.  If you're too busy to play, you're just too darn busy.
9. Enjoy yourself.  If you can't enjoy yourself, enjoy somebody else.
10. Court coincidences.  Coincidences are small miracles sent anonymously by God.

1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark!
2. Exercise. If you don't take care of your body, where are you going to live.?
3. Embrace Life's Thunderstorms. No rain, no rainbows.
4. Find the time. When values are clear, time appears.
5. Tell the Truth. That way you have a lot less to remember.
6. Keep an Open Mind. Something good may just fall in.
7. Never Underestimate Willpower. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
8. Tempt Fate. Even fate needs a good push once in a while.
9. Shine Your Light. A day without sunshine is like night.
10. Laughter Is Contagious. Now go! Infect the whole block.

1. "Go for the Gusto!" If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space.
2. Call in 'Well.' "Sorry, I can't come to work, I just feel too good."
3. 'Ketchup' with a little relish. Call an old friend and catch up. You'll relish the experience.
4. Just Say "Yes!" The universe has a way of saying 'yes' when you won't take 'no' for an answer.
5. "Sneer in the mirror." Remember, things in the mirror are greater than they appear.
6. Get better, not bitter. Pain's a blessin', when you learn the lesson.
7. Never argue with a crazy person. Outsiders don't know who's who.
8. Embrace failure. Success is just moving from failure to failure with enthusiasm.
9. Don't sweat the small stuff. Hint - It's all small stuff.
10. Join the "PTA" - The Positive, Turned-on Attitudes.

1. Get "HIP." Happy, Inspired, Passionate.
2. Smile. You're on Candid Camera!
3. Play Country Songs Backwards. You get your lover back, your dog back and even your truck.
4. Take Big Bites. The best way to taste the flavor of life is to take big bites.
5. Escape Reality. Go on vacation in your mind. Leave all baggage at home.
6. Add One "To Do" for You. Add one special self-indulged treat to your daily "to do" list.
7. "Capture the Spirit." Welcome spirituality, it may just add a whole now dimension to your life.
8. Act like a Kid Again. You're never too old to be young.
9. Like Yourself. After all you're good enough, you're smart enough and dog gone-it, who cares if people like you.
10. Cop a New "Tude" Dude. Improve your mood with a new attitude.

1. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
2. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
3. I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
6. How do they get deer to cross at the yellow road sign?
7. A fool and his money are soon audited.
8. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
9. I intend to live forever. So far, so good!
10. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
11. Time may be a great healer, but it’s sure one terrible beautician.

1. Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
2. Forgive you enemies . . . nothing annoys them more.
3. Forget about World Peace . . . Visualize using your turn signal!!
4. Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
5. Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
6. Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
7. Give me ambiguity or give something else.
8. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
9. Sex on television can’t hurt you . . . unless you fall off.
10. Cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
11. Because madness takes its toll, please have exact change.

1. My wife treats me like a god.  She feeds me burnt offerings every day.
2. I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it.
3. While looking out for #1, don't step in #2.
4. All I ask for is the opportunity to prove that money can't make me happy.
5. One nice thing about egotists:  They don't talk about other people.
6. All things being equal, tall people use more soap.
7. Some days you're the dog, and some days you're the hydrant.
8. I have seen the truth, and it makes no sense.
9. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
10.  I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

1. All I ask for is the opportunity to prove that money can't make me happy.
2. Today has been a long year.
3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting and a copy machine.
4. If things get any worse, I'll have to stop asking you for help.
5. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
6. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
7. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
8. I have no trouble meeting expenses, they are everywhere.
9. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
10. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

1.  How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?

2.  Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.

3.  If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now.

4.  Where are we going? Why is it so hot? And what's with this hand basket?

5.  Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

6.  Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

7.  It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

8.  It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

9.  It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

10. Never knock on Death's door.  Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

1. Five days a week, my body is a temple... the other two, it's an amusement park.
2. A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.  You're way behind.
3. You again?  Haven't you learned anything yet?
4. Psychoceramics:  The study of crackpots.
5. Someday we'll look back on all of this and plow into a parked car.
6. Yesterday's sour grapes will become tomorrow's bitter whine.
7. On the keyboard of life, always keep on finger on the escape key.
8. No man is an island, so slow down on the donuts.
9. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
10. Justice always prevails... three times out of seven.

1. It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents; it’s how he found out.
2. When the chips are down, the Buffalo is empty.
3. Clones are people two.
4. Time is the best teacher’ unfortunately it kills all it’s students!
5. Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
6. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
9. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
10. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research . . .